03/04/2026 – An Existential Entry

As I sit here in my home, cuddled up next to my two amazing cats, I am overcome with immense gratitude. Gratitude for the fact that I am surrounded by such supportive people who only want to see me succeed. I think sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to have many outlets: friends to confide in, successful people to seek advice from, and motivated humans to draw inspiration from. I am surrounded by everything I have ever wanted. Even my friends in other states, I see you, and I am grateful for your continued friendship. 

I think often we get tied up in the day-to-day of our lives, worrying about what rude thing someone said to us at work, scrolling for hours on our phones, spending too much time in the mirror criticizing our looks, etc. It’s easy to go a very long time without refocusing on what truly matters to you. It’s easy to lose yourself in the routine of a mundane life, becoming stagnant and comfortable. Only occasionally do we have the opportunity to be jolted out of this pattern and be shown that there is so much more that life has to offer than how you have been going about it. Refocusing is necessary for all of us, and man, is it hard sometimes. 

What do we want for our lives? That is a loaded question that I think most of us will be trying to answer for our entire lives; the idea constantly shifting as we grow. The uncertainty of that question causes a lot of heartache for a lot of people, me especially sometimes. How are we supposed to know what we want when we are kids? How are we supposed to pick a college to attend, choose a degree, spend so much time and money working for that degree, only for our motivation to change once our brains are more developed and we have experienced more life? How are we supposed to settle down with a partner, only to wonder if we made the right choice? How are we supposed to bring children into this world? What if I regret it? What if I miss my independence? What if I wake up one day 20 years down the road, and realize I have wasted so much of my “prime” convincing myself that the life I have been leading is one I actually enjoy when I don’t? These “what if’s” are paralyzing. 

I try not to dwell on these “what ifs” because reality is, you’ll never know until you try. I don’t believe that any one choice is the right choice, and as I’ve confided in others, they’ve come to the same conclusion. How the hell are we supposed to know how our lives are going to turn out unless we let go and just live them? Follow your instincts. 

One thing I have concluded is that I will definitely regret many things in my life if I continue to do nothing with my time. 

Often, when I begin to spiral on these existential questions, I try to re-ground myself with things that I do know, things that are fundamentally true about me and are guiding attributes in how I live my life. I am going to share a few of mine with you:

• I know that I love music; it has been so deeply ingrained in my existence, and it is what brings my family together. 
• I know that I enjoy art in many forms: painting, photography, art history, hair, makeup, etc. 
• I know that I love human existence and everything it has to offer: love, birth, community, art, heartbreak, lessons, experience, laughter, and so much joy.
• I know that I feel better when I am moving 
• I know that I want to see the world and experience all that I can 
• I know that I crave knowledge, even though I am not always searching for it. 
• I know that I love deeply, and I am not ashamed at how much love I give to the people I think deserve it.
• I know that I love animals deeply and have always felt a strong connection to the ones I have been fortunate to care for.
• I know I love the ocean and all of the mysteries it holds.
• I know I love the idea of the paranormal and the suggestion that there is life after death.
• I know that I will never know everything.

I am at a turning point in my life right now, as I know there will be many more turning points in the future. I am only 22 years old, and I have come to the realization that I have never lived my life to the fullest. I have an endless list of interests, hobbies, talents, and opportunities that I never really take full advantage of. Some people may not like this next claim, but I feel in many ways that I have lived a mediocre life in comparison to how I imagine my life going. It may not be the best line of thinking, but in the spirit of being vulnerable with you guys, that is just how I’m feeling these days. Instead of mourning my lost time, which I find myself slipping into often, I guess I am writing all of this in hopes to remind myself, and you, that we are so young and there is so much time to live the fullest life that we can. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, people who only want to see you thrive. Reach out to that friend, join the group, do the workout, take the trip, pick up your pencil, or your guitar, or your paintbrush, and do the damn thing! And show gratitude to the people who helped you get to where you are, yourself especially. 

To my parents, I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I have always looked up to you guys in so many ways. 

And to my people: Tatum, Conner, Julia, and Joseph. The light that you bring to my life continues to shine for many months after we see each other. You fill me with so much joy and inspiration. You guys inspire me to write songs, laugh more, live loosely, and get creative. I love you guys soooo much! 

There are so many other people in my life that I absolutely adore; I just needed to give these guys a shoutout because they helped bring my spark back recently. It really is refreshing when you can spend time around the people you care about. 

To conclude this post, I have been very introspective lately, and I have decided that to live my happiest life, I need to invest in myself, enjoy my hobbies, hang out with friends, and always continue growing. Duh! It feels so obvious writing it out, but it’s so easy not to do those things. Dopamine addictions are a killer, and they are a trap that will keep you in a very low vibration. This life is meant to be lived, and that is what I intend to do.